purest of pain..

It’s been months since I’m writing and I have roughly 10 drafts that haven’t been published yet. I’ve learned by heart to avoid writing anything when I am hurt. Those past months hadn’t been easy, trying to cope up with lost and loneliness and wrecked friendships.

 As much as I’m keeping away from posting too many songs on my blog, I bumped into one of those beautiful songs from my old playlist. This one is quite special. A memory of first love and first broken heart brings nostalgia.

Purest of Pain

Sorry didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it
And so I surrendered, just to hear your voice.

Don't know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you,

And maybe someone else is standing there beside you,

But there's something, baby that you need to know.

That deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying.

I have to see you; it's all that I'm asking.

Baby, give me back my fantasy.

The courage that I need to live,

The air that I breathe

Living without you, my world's become so empty.

The days are so cold and lonely

And each night I taste the purest of pain.

Ii wish I could tell you I'm feeling better everyday

That it didn't hurt when you walk away,

But to tell you the truth I can't find my way

And deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying.

I have to see you; it's all that I'm asking.

Baby, give me back my fantasy

The courage that I need to live,

The air that I breathe

Living without you, my world's become so empty

The days are so cold and lonely

And each night I taste the purest of pain.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it.

I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it

And so I surrendered just to hear your voice..

finding my soulmate..

I once was told that when you already found the one, you just knew, right from the very beginning. How would I know?

I never believe in that old-fashion way of thinking. Yes, I am lonely.. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find my Mr Right. I've read from an article - Find-Your-Soulmate  find yourself before you find  your soulmate. Once you're happy with yourself, a soulmate will make you even happier, but no one can fill a void created by not knowing who you are. Only you can do that.. 


Found a lyrics from Natasha Bedingfield's song,

SOULMATE

Incompatible, it don't matter though

'cos someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do

You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Lovable

Is already in my life?

Right in front of me

Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end

How do I find the perfect fit

There's enough for everyone

But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory

They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

why YES is important..

Today's weather is some kinda weird. I've been complaining a lot earlier this afternoon.. Sun shone so bright I felt a sudden remorse for getting into this kind of.. Ugh.. Work..

Later this afternoon it rained so hard, so afraid I won’t be able to go home.. I didn’t bring my umbrella.. (so sad)..

Have nothing to do in the office.. I feel a bit sad.. Again.. There’s something about the rain when it pours.. Done a lot of reading from my Twitter account and been a little bored on Facebook.. I browsed some nice blogs and found this one.. Just as timely as what keeps bothering me for days now..


excerpt from Bo Sanchez Blogsite 

Say Yes To God

        
It was my wife’s birthday yesterday.
Here’s what I did for her in the past few days:
(1) I gave her a special gift. I bought a nice notebook and I filled each page with a list of the things she does that make me love her more.   And she adored it so much, she cried for a long time while reading that notebook. One of the qualities that I love about her: Mababaw ang kanyang kaligayahan. (She is very easy to please.)  The notebook cost me P253.
(2) In front of 5000+ people at the Feast, I gave her a bouquet of pink roses and sang a love song to her.
(3) We had a fun lunch celebration with her side and my side of the family;
(4) I whisked her to a nice hotel. A one night stand. 
I’m enjoying my relationship with my wife because once upon a time, I said Yes to God to love my wife for the rest of my life.
If I look back, I noticed that all the great things in my life started with that beautiful word: Yes.
God Is Calling You To Say Yes
Once upon a time, Mary was called by God.
And saying Yes to that call changed her life forever.
The Bible describes Mary’s call: In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy God sent the angel Gabriel. God sent the angel Gabriel to a town in Galilee named Nazareth.  (Luke 1:26-38)
Through this story, God is telling you to say Yes to Him too.
Even if you think you’re ordinary.
“No One Is Ordinary!”
Mary lived in Nazareth. If you lived at that time, you would have said, “Naza… what? Where is that?”
Nazareth was a tiny, poor barrio. (I’m sure there was no Jollibee or Shoemart in it.) Nazareth was so tiny, there were probably 20 families living in it, all of them dirt poor.  
If you notice, God’s criteria for choosing the mother of Jesus were very different from our criteria. 
If God used our criteria, He would have chosen a woman from imperial Rome or from religious Jerusalem. He would have chosen a beautiful princess. Someone with royalty. Someone who had breeding. Someone who was educated. But no. He chose a young poor woman from a tiny barrio that very few people knew.
Why? Because He wanted to tell the world one thing: In His eyes, no one is ordinary. God tells you now, “You’re not ordinary.”
Think about it. Mary was a big nobody. Mary was insignificant. Mary was uneducated. Yet God chose her to become the mother of Jesus.
Why? When God saw Mary, He didn’t just see a 14-year old girl from faraway Nazareth.  God already saw the woman mentioned in the book of Revelations—a woman clothed with sun, the moon at her feet, and the 12 stars as her crown.
Listen carefully. God deals with you not based on your history but on your destiny. He relates to you not based on who you are now, but who you will become. 
So even if you think you’re ordinary, say Yes to Him.
Why You Need To Say Yes


 Here’s a fact: All new things start only with Yes.
 A new relationship doesn’t start if you don’t say Yes. A new job doesn’t start unless you say Yes. A new exercise, or diet, or project, or ministry, or service, or blessing, or miracle doesn’t start unless you say Yes.
 You don’t go into a new level in your life unless you say Yes.
 Mary said, “I am the Lord’s servant, may it happen to me as you have said.”
This was Mary’s Yes. And Christmas happened.
When I was 12 years old, I said Yes to God.  And I kept saying Yes ever since.
Saying Yes changed my life.
When you say Yes, you change your life forever.
Saying Yes means three important things:
1. YES Means Giving Your Trust
Some say that being a spiritual person will make your life dull. Mediocre. Boring. 
I beg to disagree!
When I said Yes to God, my life has been the wildest, most thrilling, heart-stopping, adrenalin-pumping adventure.   Compared to my life, the life of Indiana Jones is pretty boring!
Because I said Yes to Him, I’ve been through incredible adventures. (All by God’s mercy. It has nothing to do with me!)
When I was 13, I said Yes to give my first talk in a tiny prayer meeting. I never knew that I’d end up preaching in 14 countries all over the world—and preaching to 5000+ people every Sunday at the Feast at the Philippine International Convention Center (PICC).
When I was 14, I led the first prayer meeting of the Light of Jesus Family. It was a tiny group of 30 people in a cramped garage. I never knew that three decades later, it would grow to a ministry spanning the globe.
When I was 14, I lived in a slum area, doing ministry among the poorest of the poor. I never knew that one day, I’d live in the boondocks for three years, without electricity and running water, building our Anawim ministry for the abandoned elderly.
When I was 20, I wrote my first book. I never knew that one day, I’d be an author of 21 books that would be read by hundreds of thousands. (Recently, a woman came up to me with tears in her eyes and she said, “Bo, your book saved my life. I was so depressed, and then I picked your book, and I was healed.” It’s moving experiences like these that make all the effort of writing books for me all worth it.)
          When you say Yes to God, you’re saying Yes to the Unknown.
          He will lead you to lands you can’t even imagine now.
You don’t know what exactly will happen. 
That’s why Yes requires Trust. 
Submission is trust.
You need to trust that the best is yet to come.
2. YES Means Giving Your Freedom
I’ve now learned that freedom doesn’t come from insisting your own way. Freedom doesn’t come being stubborn.
Freedom comes from submission.
Paradoxically, when you bind yourself to God, when you put yourself at His disposal, when you surrender your freedom to God, that’s when you experience true freedom. 
Friend, submit yourself to God today!
Without excuses!
Which brings us to the third meaning of Yes.
3. Yes Means Giving Your Limitations
After the Angel told Mary she was going to give birth to Jesus, Mary said to the angel, “I am a virgin. How, then, can this be?”


Others in the Bible had other excuses too when God called them.
Moses said, “I’m not a good speaker.”
Jeremiah said, “I’m too young.”
Abraham said, “I’m too old.”
Peter said, “I’m too sinful.”
People have not changed. Human nature has not changed.
To this day, we like giving excuses. We like explaining why God’s Call is impossible:
         “I’m too poor.”
         “I don’t have time.”
         “I’m too busy.”
         “I’m not educated enough.”
         “I’m not rich enough.”
         “I’m not gifted enough.”
But here’s what I found out about excuses: Your excuse is His excuse to manifest His power. Give your limitations to Him. Because your limitation is God’s stage for His miracles.
What is your limitation? Your weakness?
Offer it to God now.
Say YES to Him.
Let Him use you—and welcome you to a world you have yet to imagine.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez

hiding inside myself..

It was an ordinary, lazy afternoon..

2:24 PM.. Inside the office, it was a plain working moment..

I stared at the window, in front of my table..

Rain poured heavily.. Wind gently blew the leaves of trees outside..

I was thinking of nothing.. ‘Till this song slowly played.. 

I've been so alone all my life
I couldn't give my heart to anyone
Hiding in myself was a man
Who needed to be held like everyone

The days moved into years
I look for warmth between the tears
It never ever found me
Never ever found me
Yes, I did seem to grasp at straws 

They surely broke all the time

I hid inside
(Till) I almost died
Yes I hid inside and I cried
A loving heart in a sensitive man
Hiding inside myself

Then you came out of nowhere
I could not believe my heart
I didn't know how to tell you
Didn't know where to start
I know you understand

When I hid inside
I almost died
Oh, I hid inside and I cried
A loving heart in a sensitive man
I know you'll understand

I love you...

I couldn’t help feeling sad at that very moment..

How I wished I could take away this emptiness..

How I wished he could be at least, aware of how I’m feeling right now..

beloved feline..

He never fails to make me smile..

Tabachingching

Once upon a time there live a cat named Tabaching..
He's such a cute, happy, energetic and bright cat..

He's been my companion for every so often.. My confidant.. 

From the time that He's been alive, up to the moment of his later days..

When he was young he's been so enthusiastic,  always loved to play and took part in all my recreation. 

I always teased him and make fun of him. He's face looked like this..  

And this.. 

But not until one night..

I heard him screaming his lungs out and saw him on top of a tree, he was being chased by an intruder black cat, he's from our neighbor's. Those moments always happens almost every night.  I couldn't help feeling helpless since the black cat was not ours, and I couldn't beat him. So, morning came he'll looked like this.. 

who i want to date...

Posted on June 6, 2011 by everydayisa

I don’t know who you are but I want great things for you. I want you to have romance and committed love and something real. Something that lasts. That’s really hard to come by these days but I want that for you and I want that for me, too. Here are some of the things I wish I could tell my future children about love. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get married and have kids but that’s okay. I’ll pass these things on to you instead. You, my friend, are worthy of great, authentic love.

Please never settle.

The person I want you to date exists and I want you to wait it out until you meet them. Because, in case you haven’t yet,  you will. Waiting is for the brave  – it means watching years pass, noticing yourself growing older and sitting through wedding after wedding after wedding. It means bottling that slow-rising fear. It means questioning your standards and running the risk of settling.

I wish someone had told me that the person I was meant to be with was a real actual living person, breathing in some part of the world and waiting, too. I did not believe in romantic destiny so I projected all my hopes into the wrong people and tried desperately to make these wrong people right. In the end, no one won and the aftermath was a combination of devastating grief, self-loathing and crippling regret. I do not want that for you.

Wait.

The person I want you to date might be making morning coffee right now or sleeping through a thunderstorm or getting a degree in Physics. Wait. I mean it. Every other person will be a cheap imitation of the real thing.

The person I want you to date believes in big things. This person has a passion and pursues it with a  hunger that could set the world on fire. This person believes in setting goals and making them happen. Trust me: you will never regret being with someone who is madly in love with their purpose in life. When you meet this person —  this unstoppable ball of good fury — I want you to have a vision of your own. A goal you can shape your life around. I want you to have a desire to change the world, whatever pocket of it you belong to. You can’t be stagnant when the person you’re with is active and dynamic. Life is a grand celebration of doing great things that matter and you (yes, you) play a huge part in all of it.

The person I want you to date has character. When you’re young, all you’re looking for is personality. Charm. Compatibility in music and book taste and food preferences. I think these are all well and good but character is what sustains a relationship when all of these things change. Personality is ever-evolving, character grows and amplifies in time. Character is when a person does beautiful things without seeking credit. It’s when someone doesn’t quit — even if every fiber of their being begs them to. It’s the ability of someone to graciously expend back-breaking heart-wrenching love to someone who has disappointed and failed them. Character is that beautiful thing that gets molded over time and experience. Be someone with character and never settle for someone without it.

The person I want you to date will be into you. Really, really into you. There will be no need for pointless mind games, no room for even the slightest bit of emotional confusion.  The person I want you to date will be crystal clear about their intentions towards you. They will not win you over with sweet nothings or romantic gestures. Their love will be bigger than the superficial trappings of courtship. The person I want you to date will take the time know you. They will see everything there is to love about you  and they will look at the core of all the bad stuff and not balk. They will not run at the first sign of ugliness. Instead, they will love you through it.

I want you to know that the person I want you to date will fail you. Give them the grace to be human. (You are one, too.) Don’t listen to those stupid quotes that tell you that the person who loves you will never make you cry. I want you to realistically approach this thing we call human relationships. Hurting one another is part of the messy dynamics of getting close to someone. But the person I want you to date is a person who knows how to resolve conflict especially when it blows up in both your faces. Their ego will never be too big to own up to their mistakes. 

And when it comes to their love for you, YOU WILL KNOW. Their love will be the most painfully obvious thing in the world that though  you will come to question many, many things in life, you will never — not even once — question them.

And you know what? They will believe in you so much that you will never feel compelled to question yourself. You will put all your insecurities to rest because the person I want you to date will, more than anything, make you feel that you matter. Always. And you know why? Because you do.

I’m sure it sounds like a long shot but what if you dared to believe that the person I want you to date is real? Love is greater than cynicism and this is what I believe — yes, me, the last single girl in the world: While some people think  this all sounds  too good to be true,  there is a God who is out to give us things that are much too good to be false.

Believe. Don’t settle. And in the meantime:

become the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for.

what matters most..

It's not how long we held each other's hand
What matters is how well we loved each other


It's not how far we travelled on our way
Of what we found to say
It's not the spring you see,  but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms
What matters is how sweet the years together
It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall

What matters most is that we loved at all..


It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall


What matters most is that we loved at all..

What matters most is that we loved at all..

-kasentihan-

an excerpt



Minsa'y may nagtanong sa'kin.


"kung bibigyan ka nang pagkakataon na tumakbo ng sobrang layo, tatakbo ka ba?"


walang kagatol-gatol, sasagutin ko sana sya nang isang malaking HINDI! pero ewan, bigla akong nanahimik.  


para akong naputulan ng dila.naisip ko, nakakapagod 'yun. saka, eh ano naman kung tatakbo ako o hindi, may mangyayari bang iba? 


pero sa tanong niya kung gusto kong tumakbo ang sobrang layo, Oo, gugustohin ko. Gugustohin ko basta kasama sya..


siguro nga, kahit na gaano kalayo ok lang, basta nandyan sya kasabay ko, for sure, kakayanin ko yun.. kaya naming dalawa..


sana nga ganoon lang kadali yon,ano? kaso, alam ko na kahit  kelan, hinding-hindi ko na sya makakasama.. tatakbo pa kaya ako?


kahit kailan hindi ko na maibabalik ang mga pagkakataon na nagkasama kami. hindi ko na pwedeng balikan yun maliban lang sa panaginip ko. 


Gusto ko uli makita yung mga ngiti niya, yung tawa niya. Yung ngiti nyang pinangarap ko na sana para sa akin..


Na sa tuwing ngumingiti sya na humihiling ako na sana para sakin lang yung mga yun. Gusto ko uli sya makita.. Yun lang. Sana nga pwede, pero alam ko na nangangarap lang ako. Na naman..


Kung meron mang isang taong gusto kong makasama ulit, siya yun. At kung meron mang isang tao na dapat ko nang kalimutan, siya rin yun. Magkaiba kami eh. Magkalayong mundo. Nagtataka ako kung bakit nagkrus pa ang landas naming dalawa. 


Minsan tuloy naisip ko na siguro pinagtagpo kami talaga. Pero para saan pa? Kung hindi rin pala kami pwede. Wala lang, pinakilala lang kami ng isat-isa tapon nun wala na.. Limutan na. Ganon lang ba tagala yun? 


Hanggan ngayon hindi ko parin lubos maisip kung bakit pa kami nagkakilala. Ginulo niya lang ang buhay ko. Ginulo niya pati kasulok-sulukan ng utak ko. Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ko isusulat to. Pero alam mo ang nakakainis dun? 


Sa sandaling panahon na nakasama ko sya, yun yong mga panahon kung kelan ako naging pinakamasaya. Nakakainis lang, dumaan lang siya para pangitiin ako at para paiyakin sa pag-alis niya.. Ang daya niya.. Sana hindi nalang siya nagpakilala, hindi ko sana nararamdaman to..


Kung pwede lang sanang mawala ang sakit sa matinding pagkapagod. Sa paglimot.. Kung sana ganun lang kadali yun.


Nakakatawa. Pero yun ang totoo.. Nang dumating siya, nagkaroon ako ng dahilan para sumaya.. Babawiin din naman pala..


Kung mabasa man niya 'to, sana maisip nya na naaalala ko siya. At sana, ako yung maging dahilan ng susunod na pagngiti niya...

-anGeL-

reflecting..

It’s the last Sunday of Lent. Thank God I was able to go to church with my cousins and with my brother..

My first plan for this coming holiday is to have a solemn reconciliation with HIM, spend more time nurturing my spiritual life.. I miss talking to HIM. I feel like dirty nowadays. A sinner. Like we all are..

I need to go to confession, but I have no time.. I think I Should file a leave on my work, at least a day. To find some time to reflect on my life these past few months.. Yes, it’s the best thing to do! I miss being a faithful servant, an active christian. Felt guilty every time I attend mass, seemed like Fr. Alvin's words were directly thrown at me.. I'm always into silent tears everytime I hear those songs, which reminds me of my childhood spiritual encounters.. It makes me nostalgic..

I so wanted to have a “visita iglesia” this Maunday Thursday. My problem is, I have no one to go with.. Hay! i can’t rely on my cousins. They’re all set to have some out-of-town trip to somewhere. Neither can I trust my office mates, they have life of their own.. Can you go with me? Please??

-angel-

i ♥ life..

Yeah, i just realized it now.. 
how God created life...
how our lives became so beautiful yet so challenging..
the things you desperately need will never be yours..
dreams you want to reach out seems so distant..
things you learned the hard way will push you to limits..
change, nothing is permanent but change..nothing stays the same..
the times that past will form part of yesterday..
the love you thought that would last forever would end, sooner than you expected it would..
someones loving you so much, but the one you love will never love you back..:(

i want to love more, celebrate life...
play as children would...
walk under the rain...
laugh my heart out as if I won a jackpot prize in lotto..
sleep as if there's no tomorrow...
cry as if it will be my last day on earth..
help people as much as I can in my own little way...
I want to change the world...
reach for the stars..
stay happy...
I know i am blessed...

Lord, help me to accept the things I cannot change,
acknowleged the things that I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference...

-anGeL-