Of Love and Waiting..

My life's been so lonely over the past months. After deciding to avoid my bestfriend whom I fell inlove with, I was stucked im my own solitary world. It felt like I was alive but not really living, working my ass off to pay my bills and to provide my family's needs, struggling to make it through the day. It's like living in a puppetry, driving your day to get you going. 

The feeling of being unloved and finding true LOVE came back, when it seems too hard to grasp. I don't know if it's just me, or when you are so used to being alone, and when someone finally came to show a little bit of concern, you tend to question the persons real intention and feelings, always.. And worse, you ask yourself questions like, 'Am I really likeable enough?' You let yourself believe that you don't deserve their attention, long before you were born. So why now?

And there came one. A simple, yet not a bad looking one. So sweet and innocent, yet so full of ambitions and motivations. He's been showing some efforts and concern and I really, really don't know how to feel about him. How am I going to react on this? I am torn between giving this a chance and give in to my desire to be finally happy, and afraid that I might gonna loss it again, living me desperate and broken and hurt and angry on the world..

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world...

So the song goes.. At first catch you'll be hooked by the piano rhythm of the song. Decided to take my first piano lesson with my brother with this song in tow. But the lyrics strucked and rocked my unruffled world. Just as timely of the current happening of the Boston Marathon bombing and the recent steaming war of Power between North Korea and United States. Seen the news on T.V and justly, can't looked at it in just 5 minutes of watching. My heart breaks in so much of wanting to do something to save the world. What happened to the values of humanity? Honestly, couldn't understand the reason on the war and what's the real deal behind. 

But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate..

Too little too LATE..

It's just a little too late, a little too wrong.
And I can't wait..
But you know all the right things to say.
But we know it's just a little too late...

Too late.
That's the word. The word I couldn't even dare to admit and accept.
Why does it have to be just now? 
If only I knew the truth back then, the truth that was hidden behind me.
And then one faithful night changed my life forever..
It changed my standpoint with a man.
The man I considered my super best friend.
I never thought our lives would ever transect and then goes into a crisscross situation.

I Love Him.
That's the problem. It is not right. It's insane to be exact.
How could we share such feeling? 
He seem to occupy every space in my heart right now.
He came the time when I thought I have no right to feel something
that has been so hard to grasp over the years..

3 years.
Lonely, 3 long and agonizing years. 
My life was plain and simple.
I have come to accept the fact that no one was destined for me.
That I will forever be alone.

One Step Closer..

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

Really, the title of this post isn't really the title of the song i posted above.. Just wanna give emphasis on the 'One Step Closer' part. Hello! It's good to be back! Expect some random thoughts to pour out in the coming days! Happy New Year!:)

purest of pain..

It’s been months since I’m writing and I have roughly 10 drafts that haven’t been published yet. I’ve learned by heart to avoid writing anything when I am hurt. Those past months hadn’t been easy, trying to cope up with lost and loneliness and wrecked friendships.

 As much as I’m keeping away from posting too many songs on my blog, I bumped into one of those beautiful songs from my old playlist. This one is quite special. A memory of first love and first broken heart brings nostalgia.

Purest of Pain

Sorry didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it
And so I surrendered, just to hear your voice.

Don't know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you,

And maybe someone else is standing there beside you,

But there's something, baby that you need to know.

That deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying.

I have to see you; it's all that I'm asking.

Baby, give me back my fantasy.

The courage that I need to live,

The air that I breathe

Living without you, my world's become so empty.

The days are so cold and lonely

And each night I taste the purest of pain.

Ii wish I could tell you I'm feeling better everyday

That it didn't hurt when you walk away,

But to tell you the truth I can't find my way

And deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying.

I have to see you; it's all that I'm asking.

Baby, give me back my fantasy

The courage that I need to live,

The air that I breathe

Living without you, my world's become so empty

The days are so cold and lonely

And each night I taste the purest of pain.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it.

I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it

And so I surrendered just to hear your voice..

finding my soulmate..

I once was told that when you already found the one, you just knew, right from the very beginning. How would I know?

I never believe in that old-fashion way of thinking. Yes, I am lonely.. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find my Mr Right. I've read from an article - Find-Your-Soulmate  find yourself before you find  your soulmate. Once you're happy with yourself, a soulmate will make you even happier, but no one can fill a void created by not knowing who you are. Only you can do that.. 


Found a lyrics from Natasha Bedingfield's song,

SOULMATE

Incompatible, it don't matter though

'cos someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do

You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Lovable

Is already in my life?

Right in front of me

Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end

How do I find the perfect fit

There's enough for everyone

But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory

They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

why YES is important..

Today's weather is some kinda weird. I've been complaining a lot earlier this afternoon.. Sun shone so bright I felt a sudden remorse for getting into this kind of.. Ugh.. Work..

Later this afternoon it rained so hard, so afraid I won’t be able to go home.. I didn’t bring my umbrella.. (so sad)..

Have nothing to do in the office.. I feel a bit sad.. Again.. There’s something about the rain when it pours.. Done a lot of reading from my Twitter account and been a little bored on Facebook.. I browsed some nice blogs and found this one.. Just as timely as what keeps bothering me for days now..


excerpt from Bo Sanchez Blogsite 

Say Yes To God

        
It was my wife’s birthday yesterday.
Here’s what I did for her in the past few days:
(1) I gave her a special gift. I bought a nice notebook and I filled each page with a list of the things she does that make me love her more.   And she adored it so much, she cried for a long time while reading that notebook. One of the qualities that I love about her: Mababaw ang kanyang kaligayahan. (She is very easy to please.)  The notebook cost me P253.
(2) In front of 5000+ people at the Feast, I gave her a bouquet of pink roses and sang a love song to her.
(3) We had a fun lunch celebration with her side and my side of the family;
(4) I whisked her to a nice hotel. A one night stand. 
I’m enjoying my relationship with my wife because once upon a time, I said Yes to God to love my wife for the rest of my life.
If I look back, I noticed that all the great things in my life started with that beautiful word: Yes.
God Is Calling You To Say Yes
Once upon a time, Mary was called by God.
And saying Yes to that call changed her life forever.
The Bible describes Mary’s call: In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy God sent the angel Gabriel. God sent the angel Gabriel to a town in Galilee named Nazareth.  (Luke 1:26-38)
Through this story, God is telling you to say Yes to Him too.
Even if you think you’re ordinary.
“No One Is Ordinary!”
Mary lived in Nazareth. If you lived at that time, you would have said, “Naza… what? Where is that?”
Nazareth was a tiny, poor barrio. (I’m sure there was no Jollibee or Shoemart in it.) Nazareth was so tiny, there were probably 20 families living in it, all of them dirt poor.  
If you notice, God’s criteria for choosing the mother of Jesus were very different from our criteria. 
If God used our criteria, He would have chosen a woman from imperial Rome or from religious Jerusalem. He would have chosen a beautiful princess. Someone with royalty. Someone who had breeding. Someone who was educated. But no. He chose a young poor woman from a tiny barrio that very few people knew.
Why? Because He wanted to tell the world one thing: In His eyes, no one is ordinary. God tells you now, “You’re not ordinary.”
Think about it. Mary was a big nobody. Mary was insignificant. Mary was uneducated. Yet God chose her to become the mother of Jesus.
Why? When God saw Mary, He didn’t just see a 14-year old girl from faraway Nazareth.  God already saw the woman mentioned in the book of Revelations—a woman clothed with sun, the moon at her feet, and the 12 stars as her crown.
Listen carefully. God deals with you not based on your history but on your destiny. He relates to you not based on who you are now, but who you will become. 
So even if you think you’re ordinary, say Yes to Him.
Why You Need To Say Yes


 Here’s a fact: All new things start only with Yes.
 A new relationship doesn’t start if you don’t say Yes. A new job doesn’t start unless you say Yes. A new exercise, or diet, or project, or ministry, or service, or blessing, or miracle doesn’t start unless you say Yes.
 You don’t go into a new level in your life unless you say Yes.
 Mary said, “I am the Lord’s servant, may it happen to me as you have said.”
This was Mary’s Yes. And Christmas happened.
When I was 12 years old, I said Yes to God.  And I kept saying Yes ever since.
Saying Yes changed my life.
When you say Yes, you change your life forever.
Saying Yes means three important things:
1. YES Means Giving Your Trust
Some say that being a spiritual person will make your life dull. Mediocre. Boring. 
I beg to disagree!
When I said Yes to God, my life has been the wildest, most thrilling, heart-stopping, adrenalin-pumping adventure.   Compared to my life, the life of Indiana Jones is pretty boring!
Because I said Yes to Him, I’ve been through incredible adventures. (All by God’s mercy. It has nothing to do with me!)
When I was 13, I said Yes to give my first talk in a tiny prayer meeting. I never knew that I’d end up preaching in 14 countries all over the world—and preaching to 5000+ people every Sunday at the Feast at the Philippine International Convention Center (PICC).
When I was 14, I led the first prayer meeting of the Light of Jesus Family. It was a tiny group of 30 people in a cramped garage. I never knew that three decades later, it would grow to a ministry spanning the globe.
When I was 14, I lived in a slum area, doing ministry among the poorest of the poor. I never knew that one day, I’d live in the boondocks for three years, without electricity and running water, building our Anawim ministry for the abandoned elderly.
When I was 20, I wrote my first book. I never knew that one day, I’d be an author of 21 books that would be read by hundreds of thousands. (Recently, a woman came up to me with tears in her eyes and she said, “Bo, your book saved my life. I was so depressed, and then I picked your book, and I was healed.” It’s moving experiences like these that make all the effort of writing books for me all worth it.)
          When you say Yes to God, you’re saying Yes to the Unknown.
          He will lead you to lands you can’t even imagine now.
You don’t know what exactly will happen. 
That’s why Yes requires Trust. 
Submission is trust.
You need to trust that the best is yet to come.
2. YES Means Giving Your Freedom
I’ve now learned that freedom doesn’t come from insisting your own way. Freedom doesn’t come being stubborn.
Freedom comes from submission.
Paradoxically, when you bind yourself to God, when you put yourself at His disposal, when you surrender your freedom to God, that’s when you experience true freedom. 
Friend, submit yourself to God today!
Without excuses!
Which brings us to the third meaning of Yes.
3. Yes Means Giving Your Limitations
After the Angel told Mary she was going to give birth to Jesus, Mary said to the angel, “I am a virgin. How, then, can this be?”


Others in the Bible had other excuses too when God called them.
Moses said, “I’m not a good speaker.”
Jeremiah said, “I’m too young.”
Abraham said, “I’m too old.”
Peter said, “I’m too sinful.”
People have not changed. Human nature has not changed.
To this day, we like giving excuses. We like explaining why God’s Call is impossible:
         “I’m too poor.”
         “I don’t have time.”
         “I’m too busy.”
         “I’m not educated enough.”
         “I’m not rich enough.”
         “I’m not gifted enough.”
But here’s what I found out about excuses: Your excuse is His excuse to manifest His power. Give your limitations to Him. Because your limitation is God’s stage for His miracles.
What is your limitation? Your weakness?
Offer it to God now.
Say YES to Him.
Let Him use you—and welcome you to a world you have yet to imagine.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez